Category Archives: From the Wikipedia
At Madison Square Garden a couple weeks ago, Prince pulled a beautiful young woman up on stage and serenaded her with “I Love U But I Don’t Trust U Anymore.” The song featured an alto saxophone solo by Maceo Parker, throughout which Prince kept asking the woman if she knew who the saxophonist was, and she kept nodding as if she did even though it was clear from her eyes that she didn’t.
It turns out the woman was Leighton Meester, from the Matt Cerrone-favorite show Gossip Girl, which I have never seen. Anyway, I really hate it when people find out you’ve never heard of something and then act incredulous and make you feel stupid. That’s not what Prince did, but it’s something that comes up all the time, especially in music.
You’ll be talking to someone and they’ll be like, “You’ve never heard of HAWKWIND!? How can you even call yourself a music fan you poser!” Well, sorry but I haven’t. I’m confident in my base of knowledge, and I’m sure there are plenty of bands I’ve heard of that you haven’t. For example, I had no idea who Leighton Meester was, which might surprise and for some reason bother fans of contemporary pop culture and the show Gossip Girl, but I did very much know who Maceo Parker was. And I think sharing knowledge is more productive than mocking someone for lacking it, so this is for Ms. Meester and anyone else who doesn’t know about Maceo, because you should.
From the Wikipedia: Maceo Parker.
Maceo Parker is a funk saxophonist. Nay, Maceo Parker is the funk saxophonist. His Wikipedia page says he plays the tenor and bari saxes, but he is mostly associated with the alto sax. He grew up in North Carolina playing in church, and got his big break when James Brown recruited Parker’s brother Melvin to play drums in his touring band. Brown agreed to take on Maceo as well, beginning a rocky association that lasted a quarter of a century.
Maceo would ultimately serve as Brown’s band leader in some of his most popular bands. He played the classic sax line on the recorded version of “I Got You (I Feel Good).” Like many of Brown’s recruits, he left the band multiple times over disagreements with the notoriously rigid Brown. He played in multiple iterations of Parliament-Funkadelic and on numerous projects with funk heroes (and fellow former James Brown bandmembers) trombonist Fred Wesley and bassist Bootsy Collins.
There isn’t much about Parker on his Wikipedia page that’s not about music, and that seems reasonable because he probably doesn’t have much time to do anything else. According to the page, he has played as a sideman on 88 albums since 1964 and recorded 15 of his own. His resume includes gigs with the Brown, P-Funk, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Living Colour, De La Soul, the Dave Matthews Band, Prince, 10,000 Maniacs, Color Me Badd and Keith Richards.
During the Prince concert, Prince would just occasionally call out for Maceo and Maceo would just walk on from offstage and rip into a sax solo. This is notable because I’ve seen this happen in multiple shows with multiple bands in various venues. I think Maceo Parker might just sort of show up places with his saxophone then stand offstage and assume people will call him on to jam, which they should because he’s awesome.
But I will quibble with it. Whatever Martin Van Buren had has to count as more than just sideburns. Those were mutton chops at the very least. I have always considered him the pioneer among facial-haired presidents.
Clearly the Golden Era for presidential facial hair started with U.S. Grant’s inauguration in 1869 and ended when Grover Cleveland and his mustache left office for the second time in 1897.
Also, all of the presidents with mustaches had awesome mustaches. Lastly, Chester A. Arthur.
Heard about this thing for the first time this morning. Here I thought the city’s only notable bird was the middle finger. (Ed. note: Heyoo!)
From the Wikipedia: Pale Male.
Pale Male is a Red-tailed hawk that has made his home in New York City since the early 1990s. He is the first of his species known to have built his nest in a building instead of a tree, and he has sired at least 26 chicks. He is named Pale Male because he is a male bird and he is pale.
I’m on the record as saying birds are pretty stupid, and I’ve never really understood birdwatching as a hobby. I mean, look: I like looking at birds because they can fly, which is awesome, and they’re colorful, which is nice too. When I see a blue jay or a cardinal in my backyard I’m all, “hey, look at that bird! It can fly and it’s colorful, and I can identify it because I recognize it from a baseball team’s logo.”
But then after I look at it for a little while, either the bird flies away or I go back to tending to my barbecue, because it’s highly unlikely the bird’s really going to do anything all that interesting. And after the bird leaves I’m never like, “damn, I wish I were still looking at that bird.”
Hawks and other birds of prey are clearly a different story, though. First of all, they’re called raptors, which is viciously badass. And I know I only think that because of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but whatever. Also, they’re birds that totally dominate other animals. Death from above.
When I was in Costa Rica I watched a hawk stalk a family of monkeys, then swoop in and grab a baby monkey. Monkeys are sweet so it was sad and all, but they’re also crazy dexterous even when they’re young, so that’s pretty impressive work by the hawk right there. Really some impressive nature all around.
Back to Pale Male: After being chased from Central Park by crows in 1991, he moved to a classy 5th Ave. apartment building, sort of a real-life rags to riches story. In his prime location on E. 74th St., overlooking the park, he has romanced four different mates.
In 2004, a group of chumps and suckers, obviously jealous of Pale Male’s remarkable virility, took down his nest and the anti-pigeon spikes upon which it was built. But it turned out Mary Tyler Moore lived in the building, and she and a group of birders protested until the co-op board agreed to install a new “cradle” for his nest.
Since then, there have been numerous accounts of other red-tailed hawks setting up camp on buildings around the city. Presumably many of them are Pale Male’s offspring. I will go ahead and assume this means the city’s going to eventually be overrun with a bunch of inbred hawks, which might be kind of awesome if you think about it.
Pale Male has been featured in a PBS Documentary, three children’s books, a Steve Earle song, and numerous Conan O’Brien sketches.
Because adenosine, in part, serves to regulate blood pressure by causing vasodilation, the increased effects of adenosine due to caffeine withdrawal cause the blood vessels of the head to dilate, leading to an excess of blood in the head and causing a headache and nausea. This means caffeine has vasoconstriction properties.[94] Reduced catecholamine activity may cause feelings of fatigue and drowsiness. A reduction in serotonin levels when caffeine use is stopped can cause anxiety, irritability, inability to concentrate, and diminished motivation to initiate or to complete daily tasks; in extreme cases it may cause mild depression. Together, these effects have come to be known as a “crash”.[95]
Withdrawal symptoms — possibly including headache, irritability, an inability to concentrate, drowsiness, insomnia and pain in the stomach, upper body, and joints[96] — may appear within 12 to 24 hours after discontinuation of caffeine intake, peak at roughly 48 hours, and usually last from one to five days, representing the time required for the number of adenosine receptors in the brain to revert to “normal” levels, uninfluenced by caffeine consumption.
If you ever doubt caffeine’s potency, try quitting it cold turkey. When I pulled into a rest stop off the Jersey Turnpike to clean out my car yesterday and realized I had already drank about 48 ounces of coffee and a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, I realized I should probably go off caffeine for a while. Now I have a brutal headache, and I’m quite irritable. Who wants to fight me?
Originally published Feb. 1, 2010, a day dedicated to Rex Ryan’s middle finger.
Hilariously, the finger — as in the middle finger, the bird, the flip-off — has its own Wikipedia page. And it’s your day, the finger.
From the Wikipedia: The finger.
You already knew that the finger is an obscene gesture created by showing the back of the hand while extending only the middle finger upwards, and that it often connotes the phrase, “up yours.”
What you probably didn’t know is that the tradition dates back to ancient Greece, and was known as — no joke — digitus impudicus, or “impudent finger” in Roman times.
The Wikipedia speculates that the use of the finger started as a threat, since the middle finger was an archer’s bow-plucking finger, and so extending the middle finger was really just the middle-ages version of the Gilbert Arenas trigger-thumb.
The entry also includes a rundown of similarly obscene hand gestures in other cultures, which is a handy thing to know if you’re traveling. For example, DO NOT flash the two-finger, back of the hand V-sign to people in most other English-speaking countries, because they do not think it means “peace.” This means you, Justin Bieber.
What the Wikipedia does not include, unfortunately, is a list of popular middle-finger delivery styles.
So I’ll provide a few on my own. If anyone wants to add these to the Wikipedia, you know, go to town.
1.) The “Right Here, Buddy”: This is the method Rex Ryan chose, and probably the most widely used variety of the middle finger. It is by nature dismissive, as if to suggest that the provider has something to lord over its recipient. In Ryan’s case, it almost certainly came in response to some heckling, as if to say, “I got your fat joke right here, buddy. I just coached a team to the AFC Championship, and I’m about to eat more bacon than you can possibly conceive.”
2.) The Maniacal Double: This is my favorite, especially while driving. I think in New York the finger gets bandied about so liberally that it almost loses its meaning, so I like to bring it back by adding a little flair. Next time someone cuts you off or does some bad-driving move that prompts your road rage, drive up next to them, widen your eyes as far as they’ll go, and wave both middle fingers around in the air at them. The driver will almost certainly be terrified enough to think twice next time he or she is about to do something stupid and/or dangerous on the road.
NOTE: It is crucial that your tires be properly aligned before you attempt the Maniacal Double. And yes, I know that it is hypocritical to respond to a dangerous or dumb instance of driving with something at least as dangerous and dumb. But wait ’til you see the look on that guy’s face.
3.) The Clever Guy: This category includes all middle-finger techniques popular in late elementary school, including holding up the index, middle and ring fingers and instructing recipients to “read between the lines” and pretending your hand has a little crank attached to it and using your off hand to ratchet up the middle finger. These methods were hilarious in elementary school, but have lost their luster with time. Avoid these methods.
4.) The Emphatic Thrust-Bird: OK, I just made that name up (which I guess makes sense, since I’m making all these up). But sometimes you really, really need to give someone the finger, and you’re concerned that the regular old finger just isn’t strong enough. That’s what this is for. It’s actually a combination of two-to-three obscene gestures, depending on your definition of obscenity, and it really drives home how emphatically you want to let the recipient know how you feel.
Here’s what you do: Keep both feet planted with your weight distributed evenly and knees slightly bent. With your left hand, slap your right bicep as you swing your right hand up, simultaneously extending your middle finger. This combines the classic French bras d’honneur — recognizable from Spaceballs, of course — with the time-honored middle finger. As you’re doing it, ever so slightly thrust your pelvis forward. That’ll show ‘em.
Originally published on Nov. 7, 2009.
Don’t ask why. From the Wikipedia: Birdhouses.
The Wikipedia’s birdhouse, or “nest box” entry, contains frighteningly little information about birdhouses. Basically, all it confirms is that they exist, and they are houses made for birds.
So I’ll go ahead and assume they were invented in the Bavarian Alps by that region’s 18th century middle-school shop teachers.
Birdhouses are currently most sought-after by the American old, and maintain some popularity among birds.
Moreover, birdhouses are one of the most presumptuous human inventions.
“Hey, bird. I know you and your feathered ancestors have been perfectly fine on your own since the late Jurassic, but I figured there’s no way you could build yourself a home as nice as this one. Eh? Eh? We people have a fine sense of aesthetics, don’t we? See, it looks just like my house! Now you can live like a real person!”
And furthermore, birdhouses are another indication of how stupid birds are. If someone you didn’t even know — especially from a species that totally dominates yours — just set up houses for you at random, would you move in without a whole lot of suspicion? It seems way more likely it would be a trap, or haunted or something.
But birds don’t think that way, even though humans eat bird eggs for breakfast. Birds are just all, “hey, this seems like a good enough place to set up camp. I mean, look at how cute the roof is!”
They’re lucky that, in this case, the humans responsible usually have good intentions. But man, birds really have a lot of growing up to do.
I feel like the man I’m referring to should always be called, “Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.” For one, it distinguishes him — or disambiguates him, in this case — from other Dave Thomases, like the NFL tight end and the guy from Strange Brew. Also, “founder of Wendy’s” just feels like it’s the type of thing that should be inextricably tagged onto the end of your name, assuming you founded Wendy’s. Only you didn’t found Wendy’s. Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s did.
From the Wikipedia: Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.
Never mind that the actual headline of Thomas’ Wikipedia page reads, “Dave Thomas (American businessman).” I make the rules here.
Thomas was born in Atlantic City to a young, unmarried mother he never knew. He was adopted at six weeks old, lost his mother at age 5, and spent much of his formative years moving around the midwest as his father sought work.
Thomas first entered the restaurant industry at 12 years old, but lost his job after a dispute with the owner, presumably because Thomas already knew way more about making delicious bacon in massive quantities than anyone else and wasn’t willing to compromise. By age 15, he was working in a Fort Wayne, Ind. restaurant called the Hobby House. Thomas eventually dropped out of high school to work at the Hobby House full time.
When the Korean War broke out, Thomas volunteered for the Army so he could have a say in his assignment (as opposed to waiting for the draft). Because of his food service experience, he asked to be sent to the Cook’s and Baker’s School at Fort Benning, Ga. He was ultimately dispatched to a base in Germany, where he cooked for 2000 soldiers until his discharge in 1953.
OK, here comes the big reveal:
After returning from Germany, Thomas went back to work at the Hobby House, where he soon met none other than Col. Harland Sanders. Yeah, that Colonel Sanders.
Sanders was in Indiana looking for franchisees for his new chain, successfully pitching his business to the owners of the Hobby House. They opened several Kentucky Fried Chickens around the midwest and introduced Sanders to their enterprising young head chef, Thomas.
It was Thomas who suggested that Sanders trim the menu and focus on the chicken, that KFC sell chicken in red-striped buckets, and that Sanders himself become the spokesperson and face of the chain. So basically, all the main things about KFC were Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s’ idea.
In the mid-60s, the Clauss family — the Hobby House owners and KFC franchisees — charged Thomas with reviving sales at four struggling locations in Columbus, Ohio. He did so with such aplomb that he was able to sell his shares in those stores to Col. Sanders for $1.5 million.
With that cash, Thomas was able to start Wendy’s, which he named for his daughter even though she’s not actually named Wendy. The rest you know: Wendy’s made really good burgers by fast-food standards and Thomas starred in over 800 commercials for the chain between 1989 and 2002, which is, according to the Wikipedia, some kind of record.
At some point along the way, Thomas was named an honorary Kentucky colonel, just like The Colonel. He also worked to earn his GED because he was concerned that high-school students might point to his success as justification for dropping out. He became an advocate for education and founded the Dave Thomas Education Center in Florida to help prepare young adults for the GED test. Shortly after his death from liver cancer in 2002, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
This is not on his Wikipedia page, but one time me and my friends stole a life-sized standup of Dave Thomas dressed as a hockey goalie from our area Wendy’s. Let the record show that we didn’t do it out of disrespect, only because we wanted to better celebrate a great fast-food hero. Also because we thought life-sized cardboard standups were hilarious. It may still be in my friend’s parents’ basement today.
Also, this is completely subjective, but I feel like Wendy’s restaurants tend to be better-run than the other major fast-food chains, and I like to credit that to Thomas’ work ethic. I can name probably a dozen particularly bad Taco Bells, McDonald’s and Burger Kings, but I can only think of one or two notably bad Wendy’s. Plus the Wendy’s near my house is fantastic, as was the one near where my old band used to practice.
And furthermore, as discussed, Wendy’s is really the only major fast-food chain that makes decent bacon. I assume that secret comes from Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.
Finally, does anyone remember the Superbar? Shame that didn’t catch on.
Outcome of a Wikipedia digression.
From the Wikipedia: Lucy the Elephant.
Lucy the Elephant is a six-story high building shaped like an Asian elephant, built in 1882 by novelty architect James V. Lafferty. Unlike many examples of novelty architecture which are really just whimsical sculptures, Lucy the Elephant is an actual functional building that has, at times, served as a restaurant, business office, cottage and tavern.
Lafferty designed and built Lucy in a misguided attempt to sell real estate in the area. Though the Wikipedia mentions nothing about the structure’s effectiveness in luring home-buyers, I confidently write “misguided” because I can’t imagine anyone in 1882 or today being particularly eager to move in next door to a completely terrifying 65-foot high wood-and-tin elephant.
Still, no one before Lafferty had thought to erect a zoomorphic building. He was awarded a patent for Lucy’s design, earning him the exclusive right to make and sell animal-shaped buildings for the next 17 years, undoubtedly a prized distinction.
Though the patent, per the Wikipedia, extended to all animals, Lafferty specialized in elephants. Just five years after completely Lucy, he built an elephant-shaped hotel in Coney Island called Elephantine Collosus, which I believe is the name of the Decemberists’ next album. The hotel burned down in 1896.
Lucy the Elephant was scheduled for demolition in the 1960s, but a group of concerned citizens canvassed the community and saved the structure, moving and refurbishing it and eventually getting it onto the National Register of Historic Places Shaped Like Elephants.
Lucy the Elephant still stands proudly in Margate today, though the tips of its tusks were blackened by a 2006 lightning strike.
Also, the Wikipedia article refers to Lucy the Elephant as “she” throughout, even though a) It has tusks, which only male Asian elephants can boast and b) it is a building and does not actually have a gender.
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